Do you know how you change what's in the mirror?
Relationships are a perfect mirror.
Do you know how you change what's in the mirror?
Obvious right.
Frown to the mirror, what does it do?
Try to get from the mirror, what does it do?
Punish the mirror, what does it do?
Criticise the mirror, what does it do?
Have you ever had that crazy feeling in a relationship where it's like they are telling you that you are doing this horrible thing but you are like "hey but you are doing it too!" ???
Ummm… yeah.
All the f*$king time!
That's the mirror.
A while ago I was sitting in the sauna, the heat forcing sweat to run rivulets down my skin. I was reading a great book "The Courage to be Disliked", and it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
The road to relationship hell is created by the ways we hurt and punish the other person for the ways they hurt us.
It's a slippery slope, and it leads one way.
Punish. Hurt. Punish. Hurt. Punish. Hurt.
Back and forth.
Forever… unless you stop it.
Everyone has their unique way of punishing the other.
But here's the tricky part — from indignant righteousness… punishment *feels* like it's the right thing to do.
That's why it's righteous.
OF COURSE I'm not going to open my heart to someone who hurt me.
OF COURSE I'm not going to be sexually available to someone who hurt me.
OF COURSE I'm not going to provide financially for someone who hurt me.
That would be opening me up to abuse!!!
But… just like a mirror… you are hurting them too with your own perfectly tailored punishment tactic.
We try to get them to give us what we want through punishment and shaming.
We think that this is the correct way to do things.
They punish you. You punish them.
Stalemate.
For me my punishment has been a kind of self-harm.
I'll get hurt… then I'll eat real bad, sleep real late, mope around like a sad sack with my heart all walled up.
But it's all a tactic to shame.
"Look at what you have done to me. Look how crushed and miserable I am because of you. Shame on you. This is what YOU did to ME"
F*$king nonsense.
What happens when you smile in the mirror?
What happens when you give to the mirror?
What happens when you open to the mirror?
What happens when you forgive the mirror?
What happens when you love the mirror?
When I realised that trying to punish my wife was actually just hurting me… it was such a startling revelation.
And I don't believe this post will do it justice.
It's too easy to read this stuff and be like "yeah yeah yeah, I get it already, next — where is the sexy stuff?"
But this IS the sexy stuff.
Because I realised that when I forgive her, I create a field of forgiveness.
When I love her, I create a field of love.
When I appreciate her, I create a field of appreciation.
When I desire her, I create a field of desire.
That's the incredibly wild and magical thing about the mirror…
When you give to it, it gives back!!!
You get more of what you want by giving it.
There is NO situation that I have ever been in, ever, in which we weren't actually hurting each other.
There are NO clients that I have ever coached, ever, in which it's purely one-sided.
Because…. it's a mirror!
The beautiful thing is… that means we have SO MUCH CAPACITY TO CHANGE OUR EXPERIENCE BY FOCUSING ON WHAT WE ARE DOING.
Most people try to change what's in the mirror by bitching and moaning about what they are seeing in the mirror.
i.e. they spend all their time focused on the other person and all the wrong things they are doing, and all the right things that they aren't.
It doesn't work. Ever.
If you choose to love someone, then f*$king love them and trust that they love you too — that's why you are together.
If you can't do that, then leave.
Bring yourself to the mirror… fully.
Show up with as much love, devotion, appreciation, adoration, desire that you can find inside yourself…
And see what happens.
~ Damien Bohler
Do you know how you change what's in the mirror?
Obvious right.
Frown to the mirror, what does it do?
Try to get from the mirror, what does it do?
Punish the mirror, what does it do?
Criticise the mirror, what does it do?
Have you ever had that crazy feeling in a relationship where it's like they are telling you that you are doing this horrible thing but you are like "hey but you are doing it too!" ???
Ummm… yeah.
All the f*$king time!
That's the mirror.
A while ago I was sitting in the sauna, the heat forcing sweat to run rivulets down my skin. I was reading a great book "The Courage to be Disliked", and it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
The road to relationship hell is created by the ways we hurt and punish the other person for the ways they hurt us.
It's a slippery slope, and it leads one way.
Punish. Hurt. Punish. Hurt. Punish. Hurt.
Back and forth.
Forever… unless you stop it.
Everyone has their unique way of punishing the other.
But here's the tricky part — from indignant righteousness… punishment *feels* like it's the right thing to do.
That's why it's righteous.
OF COURSE I'm not going to open my heart to someone who hurt me.
OF COURSE I'm not going to be sexually available to someone who hurt me.
OF COURSE I'm not going to provide financially for someone who hurt me.
That would be opening me up to abuse!!!
But… just like a mirror… you are hurting them too with your own perfectly tailored punishment tactic.
We try to get them to give us what we want through punishment and shaming.
We think that this is the correct way to do things.
They punish you. You punish them.
Stalemate.
For me my punishment has been a kind of self-harm.
I'll get hurt… then I'll eat real bad, sleep real late, mope around like a sad sack with my heart all walled up.
But it's all a tactic to shame.
"Look at what you have done to me. Look how crushed and miserable I am because of you. Shame on you. This is what YOU did to ME"
F*$king nonsense.
What happens when you smile in the mirror?
What happens when you give to the mirror?
What happens when you open to the mirror?
What happens when you forgive the mirror?
What happens when you love the mirror?
When I realised that trying to punish my wife was actually just hurting me… it was such a startling revelation.
And I don't believe this post will do it justice.
It's too easy to read this stuff and be like "yeah yeah yeah, I get it already, next — where is the sexy stuff?"
But this IS the sexy stuff.
Because I realised that when I forgive her, I create a field of forgiveness.
When I love her, I create a field of love.
When I appreciate her, I create a field of appreciation.
When I desire her, I create a field of desire.
That's the incredibly wild and magical thing about the mirror…
When you give to it, it gives back!!!
You get more of what you want by giving it.
There is NO situation that I have ever been in, ever, in which we weren't actually hurting each other.
There are NO clients that I have ever coached, ever, in which it's purely one-sided.
Because…. it's a mirror!
The beautiful thing is… that means we have SO MUCH CAPACITY TO CHANGE OUR EXPERIENCE BY FOCUSING ON WHAT WE ARE DOING.
Most people try to change what's in the mirror by bitching and moaning about what they are seeing in the mirror.
i.e. they spend all their time focused on the other person and all the wrong things they are doing, and all the right things that they aren't.
It doesn't work. Ever.
If you choose to love someone, then f*$king love them and trust that they love you too — that's why you are together.
If you can't do that, then leave.
Bring yourself to the mirror… fully.
Show up with as much love, devotion, appreciation, adoration, desire that you can find inside yourself…
And see what happens.
~ Damien Bohler
