Fear is such an interesting thing. Fear is, at its core, an impulse that wants to keep us safe. Fear is a drive for survival.
We fear things that can hurt us, we fear futures that would take us away from our deepest dreams and desires. We fear bad things happening.
Fear feels like this beautiful, sweet innocent thing.
And that sweetness is its seduction.
I might fear that my partner will abandon me. I might have a wonderful justification for it based on my attachment wounds and my early experiences of abandonment. I might have some compelling stories of past relationships where I experienced this very thing.
It makes sense to have this fear.
Yet what happens when I have this fear?
I act weird.
I get all anxious.
I’m suspicious of who my partner is talking to.
I accuse them of not really being here for me.
I start fights about all kinds of irrelevant things. And I can blame it all on my fear of abandonment… it’s just my insecurity needing reassurance. The problem is that my justification for the fear simply perpetuates it. My reactions are righteous... I tell myself it's ok that I acted in that way, because I was just scared. Eventually my partner can’t take the level of anxiety and insecurity they have to deal with anymore. The fights and the conflict and the drama is too much. They pull away. I get crazier. They pull away more. Something breaks. There… see… I knew my fear was right, I always get abandoned in the end. No. My fear created the conditions that caused the outcome. Letting my wounds, my ego and my victimhood run the show gave rise to the shadow realms, and the connection was sabotaged. The cruel paradox is that to heal the fear of abandonment means that I have to not fear abandonment. In essence I have to become someone that is *not* abandoned. I have to transcend the fear... realising that I can never be abandoned if I don't abandon myself. Who do I become when I leave that fear behind? I become calm, trusting, loving, assured and confident.
I become way more playful, fun, flirty and adventurous. All of which provides a much more conducive state for a successful relationship and a happy life. A cruel paradox is a kind of weird cosmic joke... depending on how we take the joke is the difference between evolution and hell. When we use the paradox as fuel in our own transformation... we become so much more. But when we let our own victimhood and egos complain about the paradox, all it does is feed our pain. Because you can't get out of the paradox while still living in it. ~ Damien Bohler
I get all anxious.
I’m suspicious of who my partner is talking to.
I accuse them of not really being here for me.
I start fights about all kinds of irrelevant things. And I can blame it all on my fear of abandonment… it’s just my insecurity needing reassurance. The problem is that my justification for the fear simply perpetuates it. My reactions are righteous... I tell myself it's ok that I acted in that way, because I was just scared. Eventually my partner can’t take the level of anxiety and insecurity they have to deal with anymore. The fights and the conflict and the drama is too much. They pull away. I get crazier. They pull away more. Something breaks. There… see… I knew my fear was right, I always get abandoned in the end. No. My fear created the conditions that caused the outcome. Letting my wounds, my ego and my victimhood run the show gave rise to the shadow realms, and the connection was sabotaged. The cruel paradox is that to heal the fear of abandonment means that I have to not fear abandonment. In essence I have to become someone that is *not* abandoned. I have to transcend the fear... realising that I can never be abandoned if I don't abandon myself. Who do I become when I leave that fear behind? I become calm, trusting, loving, assured and confident.
I become way more playful, fun, flirty and adventurous. All of which provides a much more conducive state for a successful relationship and a happy life. A cruel paradox is a kind of weird cosmic joke... depending on how we take the joke is the difference between evolution and hell. When we use the paradox as fuel in our own transformation... we become so much more. But when we let our own victimhood and egos complain about the paradox, all it does is feed our pain. Because you can't get out of the paradox while still living in it. ~ Damien Bohler
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